Behind the Character

I have been immersed in this world for almost ten years. 

I have worn wigs, ball-gowns, 

and told the stories of princesses that are portrayed in a way that is pure, and filled with principle and tradition. Separating the childhood fantasy, from the adulthood reality has been challenging for me, as I near my later 20's. Because I spend so many hours in the mindset of such whimsical, lovely characters, it has caused me to question my own opinions if they are conflicting with the ones I transform into each weekend. It makes me wonder if I am being sincere, if I am  desiring to think differently and challenge my depth, perspective and intelligence- because I spend SO much time playing a PART.

From an outside look, I appear to be joyfully living through this fantastical world. And to be honest, I do love MANY aspects of this job. But, I have become aware of the lasting effect it has taken on my personality- a security blanket if you will. I truly have begun to believe that the only way I will be accepted/liked or loved is if I am in costume; parading around in a identity that is set in stone,
written years ago, and has been stuck in time. It is concrete, and I have a 90 minute biographical film to refer to that makes me feel secure. I can reference my research, as confidently as a scientist graduate. It is there for me to believe in, and I am certain of my knowledge.

But then, I return home after a long day spent in the car, in a now heavy wig, tight corset and strong hunger in my stomach: wondering... who am I?

The process has been gradual: the slow evolution of lost identity. What Monica wants is an after thought, for I am distracted by the attention I receive on the daily. Whether it be walking to and from a party, inside the event from the families I entertain or in a post I make on social media, there is a sense of excitement that is difficult to ignore. A huge part of me believes that what catches the attention of those I am around me is ONLY occurring when I am in character. I start to convince myself that Monica is not enough. It has been ten years of stepping into these shoes, and last year I made the decision to take a deeper look at what I WANT. I want to make art that has an impact on the world: through theater, film and song. And so, I changed my perspective and made a change.

I decided to step out of my comfort zone and audition for companies I only dreamed of working for: and to my great delight, I got to work for FIVE regional theater companies here in LA, including the infamous HOLLYWOOD BOWL. Suddenly, my dream was back again, and I no longer felt trapped by my fear. I got to look Behind the Character and notice that I have a story to tell of my own, and through my passion, training and skill, I was able to apply my experience to the incredible opportunities I received.

This is not to say I do not enjoy my job, I still enjoy it a great deal: but, along the way, I started to forget about my TRUE calling and began to limit my passions and worth. I started to believe that my Broadway dream was SO far away, because I was relying on the attention I received from ONLY dressing up as a character to fuel my confidence. But, n

ow I'm learning that I am SO much more than just my image on a screen. I have a VOICE, and intelligence, talent and LOVE in my heart that needs to be SHARED. It's not always easy to rewire your brain to think differently about how you express yourself, especially in a social media setting. But, believe me, I feel SO much more fulfilled by applying myself in a tangible, collaborative and impactful way!

Some of my FAVORITE characters I've played since changing my FOCUS

People CHANGE, and life is ALWAYS changing. and that is one the beautiful things about LIFE! I feel so thankful for the experiences I've had being a performer and I am extremely grateful for the Princesses that I portray. But, its all about BALANCE and understanding that I am just as worthy being ME, as I am when I am playing a fairytale character. **

Thank you for reading!

Sincerely,
Monica